


Vikala & Vicky's Disconnected Feelings

by HeartfeltPastels



Category: Granblue Fantasy (Video Game)
Genre: Anxiety, Bad Parenting, Character Study, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Implied/Referenced Transphobia, Introspection, Multiplicity/Plurality, Pre-Canon, Self-Discovery, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Female Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-01
Updated: 2021-01-01
Packaged: 2021-03-11 08:02:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,894
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28467966
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HeartfeltPastels/pseuds/HeartfeltPastels
Summary: Just because you’re ‘always together’ doesn’t mean you’ll always be able to understand each other and never struggle, but no matter what I'll never give her up for anything.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 4





	1. Who is Vikala? Who is Vicky?

**Author's Note:**

> This is my second Vikala fic, seeking to explore Vikala’s character through a plurality interpretation of her character from Vicky’ PoV, since the canon rarely shows her thoughts with her ears, we only typically see her words and actions. I challenged myself a lot to write this a bit differently than my usual prose, but I am pretty happy with the final version, I hope you enjoy it. And though the trans tag is present, it's not really the focus of this piece.
> 
> Important Disclaimer: I at time of publishing this fic do not identify as plural. This is the first time I’ve written on anything dealing with it, and I’ve tried my best to do my diligence on research & listened to plural friends on things in order to educate myself and to try to avoid any harmful aspects. If you’re a plural person/systems, and feel like I messed up l please let me know and I’ll see what I can do, I want to be as respectful as I can be towards plural people/systems.

As long as I can remember I wished for her to love herself and to see her smile, ever since that fateful day in years past when she met one of the divine twelve, when I began to realize that I was her, but I also wasn’t... That we were two or maybe we had always been, but she couldn’t or didn’t notice that. Eventually she instead started to idolize me as a better version of her, because I seemed to have awoken from that simple yet pure hearted wish of both of ours: To become someone who could bring happiness to others like ---------- did. But was it my wish? I wasn’t sure, though I knew I didn’t dislike the idea either. Maybe her feelings towards me were part of why I was able to receive some traits from her.

I was able tell what she wished for herself even when her identity was still a mess to her. I could see she longed to be a cheerful girl just like I was. Yet I was unable to do anything for her as not my words nor my feelings were able to reach her no matter how desperately I tried… I could only watch her struggle with life burdened with difficulty from her family not being sensitive to her more shy nature… Something stopped those feelings or maybe even some part of her didn’t accept me. I only saw her feel happy when she was alone, maybe because of that she was afraid to even try to make any friends.

I wondered if I would be allowed to do nothing more than observe her life as more and more years passed. Even after she realized her own wish to be a cheerful girl finally, I was still unable to do anything at all for her or even express that I felt glad that she finally started to understand herself, but more time passed and I had been stuck watching her for well over five years by now. I imagined myself trying to say something to support her or doing something to cheer her up countless times, but none of it was ever able to reach her, all I could do was pray that she didn’t give up on life or her dreams.

My time simply kept passing while watching over her until one day, her parent’s reprimanding went too far after she had been declined many of her wants by them and had nearly started to give up on her wish to be a girl. Our parents had never been the kind or supportive type unfortunately, but all of this from her parents directed at her just because she wanted for herself was a simple pink hair clip to wear to express herself a tiny bit, but even that was too much for them. My heart sank seeing how she was devastated and I was upset and afraid… I had always cared and worried for her, but this was different. I felt myself truly pleading and wishing from the bottom of my heart for the first time, ‘I want her to be allowed to be happy! I want to protect her!’

The next thing I knew, I woke up(?) or maybe gained awareness for the first time in ‘our body’... I couldn’t see too much, her room was dimly lit, it must have been late into the afternoon for there to be so little daylight left. I felt softness around me, but under my head felt different it felt even more soft but also oddly wet. I felt a bit tired and heavy for some reason, it was a weird sensation unlike anything I had felt before. I got up from the bed and I was able to move well enough despite it though it still felt weird for anything to move from me as I was used to watching her move the body without me doing anything. And I felt the mild breeze from the window brushing against our face made the areas around the eye feel sore… probably from her tears, I don’t want to let her cry like that again. I have to do something! Anything for her!... But I couldn’t sense her at all, maybe I was too overwhelmed by experiencing the sensations of the world myself for the first time to be able to connect with her right now. I wondered if she could sense me right now, the way I had sensed her for so long prior to this… I would be able to see her again right?... Right?

I couldn’t stop to plan very much, my emotions were running out of control still from earlier, so I decided almost immediately there were only a few things I could do for her right now, I didn’t know how much time I had or even if I’d ever get another chance to help her in the slightest. I peaked out of her room and saw her parents were talking with each other cooking dinner and cleaning dishes in the kitchen, so I snuck around the living room as quietly as I possibly could and I spotted the hair clip from where our parents hid it on top of one of the shelves, I didn’t know why they didn’t throw it out, but I grateful it was left here for me to give me this small chance to do something for her, I leaped as high I could and grabbed it successfully and ran out of the house since I knew that noise might end up giving me away.

After I put the hair clip into our hair, I felt a strange sound seeming to call out to me. I didn’t know what else to do, I had never been in our body before. I was still in a panic over my rash actions. I acted on impulse and intuition alone towards our parents and I couldn’t just easily go back to them right now even if I wanted to return to them. Not like I had any idea of how to talk with them in any way to help her nor do I understand the lay of the town to try to find anywhere to hide by myself… Even though I saw her walk through the town countless times, everything just felt so unfamiliar and unwelcoming to me for some reason and I didn’t want to get lost or get her in even worse trouble... So I decided to follow the voice to its source feeling like I had no other choice, or maybe I wanted to believe it was the best choice for me to make, perhaps the only one that _I_ alone could make this time for both of our sakes.

* * *

It eventually led me through an overgrown woods on a small path I’d never seen before. There was still just enough light out that I didn’t feel afraid... That path led me to a large ornament temple gate thats red color had started to fade to a dull off-red, and the temple past the gate was seemingly abandoned and decaying… the building had a fair bit of plants growing over it and many of the tiles on the ground were either broken or uneven looking. Past the temple I could only see an unending forest, I wondered what this remote place was for exactly. I didn’t see anyone around as I stepped through the gate on the temple grounds with some hesitation. There was only one noticeable building there, so I decided to call out in it’s direction, “Who’s there, who’s been guiding me here?”

I felt nervous to be so alone in such an isolated mysterious place, and I heard a strange metallic sound approach me and I nearly tripped on my own steps hearing an unexpected voice speaking to my mind, “You have been chosen. What is your name?”

  
I felt a bit uncertain on trusting the voice just yet, I leaped back to hide myself behind the gate’s pillar before answering, I peek around the pillar trying to contain my nerves from speaking with anything for the first time, “Name? I don’t have one… Chosen? For what? Why me?”

I heard the voice speak once more as it approached me with a metallic clank, “You have been chosen because I believe your qualities make you fit to take the trial. If you succeed, you will gain something that should be of help to you. If you have no name, then do you have anything to prove you exist?”

I stayed behind my pillar as I tried to ponder it’s strange words… Trial? To prove I exist? What does it mean by any of that? But if it can give me something to help with things now I have to accept, but do I even have anything like that on me? It’s always been her body until now… Then it occurs to me, “I do, I have this hair clip. I’ll take your trial, but what happens if I fail?”

I tensed up as I saw the source of the voice reveal itself from the corner of the building, it was a giant monster trap far larger than any I had seen before with a long metal chain dragging behind it. The object spoke once more to my mind once it was fully visible, “If you should fail then that item you claim proves you exist will vanish, and she will forget about you as well and your actions. You will be lost as you lose yourself in your desires.”  
  


I didn’t mind whatever my fate was… but I worried for her far more than for myself… “Will anything else happen to her if I fail? How do you know about her? Or that I am not her.”

The monster trap now positioned itself between the building’s entrance, “Nothing else, she’ll be restored to how she was before you woke today because I can sense a potential within you that wasn’t there until you showed yourself not long ago.”

It was strange, but I felt like I could believe this thing’s words that nothing would happen to her and about how it sensed me, it didn’t seem to have bad intentions. I believed if there is even the slightest chance of this allowing me to help her even the smallest amount, then I’ll do it… after all I haven’t been able to do anything for her for, but watch over her years now. I leaped out from my pillar and faced it directly before shouting my answer to show my resolve as best as I could, “Then I have no fear of the trial, I’ll accept!”

“Very well, head inside the temple to the deepest room.”

I followed its lead through the temple, I felt like something was very off... despite the exterior of the temple being so rough and decayed… as we went deeper in the interior of this building it started to seem almost magically maintained somehow, none of it showed any signs of the wear and weather damage I had saw outside prior to this… the interior felt majestic in a way you’d never be able to guess from the outside of the building. It was ornamented with numerous decorations and patterns that felt important, but I couldn’t yet grasp their meanings, which only raised my confusion further about what exactly this place was and how it was maintained without seemingly anyone being here. 

“This is the deepest room. Once you enter it, your trial will begin. If you are able to hold onto yourself and your true feelings then you will succeed.”

I had no idea what to expect, but I braced myself and crossed into the room and saw a highly decorative altar of a joyful young woman surrounded by several rats in the center, of all the things I’d seen here she looked the most of important by a wide margin, not mention it seemed to be a life size scaled. Before I made it halfway to the altar I felt something approach me and I… felt my thoughts turning blank as I lost my footing and...

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


I awakened in nothing but pure dark… it felt even darker and deeper than the night for some reason… I remembered its words and tried my best to focus on my true feelings to bring her happiness, to protect her, to help others, and bring joy to as many as I can. I heard many voices call out to me trying to tempt me into other desires asking me didn’t I want to replace her, didn’t I resent her, didn’t I pity her, didn’t I resent this world, didn’t I want to give up on her, didn’t I want to give up, and so-on seemingly dozen of times, however I simply thought ‘no’ to all of them as I focused on my wish, my feelings, I didn’t need to feel anything like that… or rather those feelings felt tiny and insignificant compared to the feeling of imagining fulfilling my wish to make her happy.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


Eventually I woke up again? Maybe that’s the wrong word, I felt a bit more disconnected from our body (?) than I had the time I woke up previously, and this time in an overflowing light it contrasted strongly against from the prior void of light and aside from myself and the monster trap from before, “Congratulations Vikala, you have passed, well done to banish all of these Kleshas so easily, you are perhaps the strongest of heart I’ve seen since the first herself.”

I stared at it in confusion, “Vikala? Who is that? Is that the girl on the Altar?” It wasn’t until after I said that name that I felt something, ‘Vikala’, it felt so nostalgic and important to me yet I couldn’t understand why at all. I had no idea what to make of the other things it said to me, Kleshas? Were my feelings strong enough to banish something like that? Was it really a big deal that I didn’t struggle with it? 

“It is one of the names passed down to those who inherit the titles of “Divine General of the Rats” and “Guardian of the North”. You are Vikala now if you wish to be and form a pact with me to become my partner and to become one of the twelve divine generals.”

Wait me? Was I really worthy of such a wonderful name or such a grand position, the one that she always admired even if she forgot just how that encounter inspired and changed her? But it felt so good to be acknowledged as myself for the first time... But wait what about her? If I accept this pact… “Will this pact interfere with my wish? Will she get a say in the pact as well? I wouldn’t take her place for her good right? And if we’re to be partners what is your name?”

“She will see it differently than you and not remember the trials, but after you accept her consent is still needed as well. And she will remain, do not worry. The pact should give you two some sense of balance compared to now. And you may call me ‘Dormouse’ or ‘Dorrie’ master.”

I’d already come this far, I couldn’t hesitate, besides wouldn’t she be thrilled for us to be allowed to join the ranks of the divine twelve? Not like I have any clue how to bring her back otherwise anyways. “I, VIKALA, will accept your pact Dormouse!” calling myself by that name felt so right that I couldn’t help but let out some of that excitement and passion that had been swelling in my heart as the last of my fears had been washed away.

“Very well Master Vikala, I will speak to her on your behalf, just wait a moment.”

* * *

I found myself back in front of the altar of the girl who I still know little about, but something felt different from before about my body, about me. The amount of relief I felt was a bit overwhelming compared to the vast uncertainties I had been feeling hours ago. Something about that relief just made me feel like I could overcome any obstacle that came our way now… I felt more myself, more light, and more comfortable and at ease… I smile brightly looking at myself and see my figure has reshaped slightly and that my clothes have changed completely they’re FEMININE! ELEGANT AND BEAUTIFUL! It’s more wonderful than I could have ever dreamed of and feels so natural to me to wear them and the design details are so pretty. I feel my hair it feels softer and a little bit longer than before I find the hair-clip still placed exactly where I put it and I feel somethi---

“I see you have awakened Master Vikala.” 

I gasped from the shock of seeing Dorrie again suddenly and still not used to my new name, but felt so happy to finally have a name for myself smiling again, I asked. “So she accepted the pact as well then?”  
  
“She seemed almost as eager as yourself to accept it.”

I decided to ask Dorrie, needing to know more about what changed, “I am glad to hear that, so you said the pact would give us some balance, could you explain? And did the pact alter our body somehow? It feels different.”

“Gladly, that pink hair-clip has become your stability for you to exist and have your will in this form. You can move it to another object if you need to though.”

“This form? What do you mean?” Dorrie points me towards a mirror on the wall, and I see our body now with pure snow white hair and a more feminine figure.

“The pact helped you two change towards your desires, however this form differs from her slightly so you can fill your role as a Divine General. Your rat-eared headband will help you change when you desire to by imagining letting her in and saying the phrase you should know in your heart. It should also improve your communication with her while you wear it. And please be careful with the headband. Replacing an object given that much divine power is no easy feat.”

“Thank you for that and don’t worry Dorrie, I’ll be as careful as I can be with it!”

I mentally try to reach out to her and she acknowledges me for the first time, and I feel overwhelmed and cry from joy… but I try to speak to her, but no words come out even though I can roughly understand what she is saying. She’s glad that I am here and proof to her I wasn’t just some idea in her head. But why can't I talk to her? This is so frustrating... I notice then that she’s still reacting to my general feelings even without words somehow. And feel relieved… it’s not perfect, but it’s better than before. Maybe it will get better in the future I hope.

I decided to try the method Dorrie told me since I want to give her to experience our new body. I whisper to myself, “May you find happiness, my precious twin sister,” and our body changes. It feels a little funny referring to her that way, but hopefully she doesn’t mind too much if she ever finds out. I feel my will over it weaken dramatically, and the hair changes back to our natural black hair. But I sighed as I noticed the hair clip I worked to reclaim for us has vanished as well. While she is a bit surprised by the headband as well, she leaves it on for now. My sense of the world is a bit better than it was before and I can tell she can still sense me some at least, but I don’t think my feelings can reach her even right now.

I observed how she was confused about the changes at first as well, but after a bit she seemed relieved that her form is a bit closer to what she wanted. Though I can tell she felt a bit uncomfortable with her current clothes, so she looked around the temple for anything more suited for her. She got really excited when she saw some spare shrine maiden outfits. Though I saw that the outfits were a bit worn to wear now, but they looked like they could be restored. So she decided to look elsewhere for now. As she wandered towards another room, Dorrie told me that one had some belongings left here by one of the previous generals and I tried to signal her that way. She followed my signal and entered the room. She found a dresser with some spare clothes, most of them seemed a little bit too large for us. She came across a plain yet nice warm looking brown dress with a satisfying feeling to it’s touch. Though it looked close enough to our size compared to the others and she took it out to get changed.

After she changed into the clothes picked, she decides to stow the headband in our bag as she seems intent on showing her parents the changes in hopes that they’d accept her and give her a new name. I try to scream out to stop her because given earlier, I have a bad feeling about this, but I am powerless to stop her from seeking them with Dorrie lurking in our shadow as the sun seems ready to set fairly soon.

* * *

As she drew closer to her destination I braced myself mentally for the worst as best I could. Since I didn’t have high hopes for how it would go, I couldn’t… not after everything I’d watch her struggle with them. I felt distraught just from watching the first few minutes of her struggle with them… I couldn’t keep watching. I didn’t want to see her keep getting hurt like this… it just didn’t go any better than I expected… I tried to not focus on it, but eventually… I couldn’t not return my focus to it once more because of how bad the mental pain I felt from her was getting… 

I started to feel an intense emotion rise up within myself and it was though Dorrie reacted to that when she chose to reveal herself slightly from our shadow. Projecting Dorrie’s shadow on the wall along with the loud metallic clang seemed to be scaring them away out of the house before it got any worse. I felt that intense feeling subside as they vanished from our sight. Thanks to that it gave her a chance to seek what little things she valued from that place, like her old dairy, a few books, and smaller items. Though I was relieved, I could tell she was still panicked as she ran hastily out of the house onto the streets tightly clinging to her bag and items she had put inside of it. 

After seeing them hurt her like that I had found myself hoping that they would flee the island and never return. I thought that would be for the best, she had given them plenty of chances out of her kindness to show they could do otherwise, but they never did, so it would probably be better for both of us if we never met them again ever and I hoped I’d never see them again. And I believed the two of us would find a way to get by without depending someone as cruel to her as them.

She called out to me as soon as she was into one of the alleys out of sight to everyone, the sun had set quite some time ago by now. There’s no daylight left, only the start of the evening’s dark. So I feel like it should be safe for me to change and take over and take us back to the temple as swiftly as I can, hoping to not be bothered by anyone on the way there. As we get closer and I see the temple’s gate off in the distance, I feel less a need to focus on our safety and presence in the world, so I return my focus to our space. I see her still weeping in the distance. I do what comes naturally to me, I approach her and embrace her and try my hardest to convey just one single feeling to her “You can be Vikala too, so don’t worry.”

As she finally calms down and her tears stop flowing, I shift to holding her hands and by some miracle this time, she seems to understand… she asks me, “You want me to call myself Vikala as well?”

I nod eagerly to her and smile brightly at her.

“Thank you, Vikala, but I don’t think I deserve such a lovely name for myself… after you’re the wonderful, kind, and strong person that I’ve admired… you deserve it not me, who has nothing good and can’t even get her parents to accept her or care about her....”

I shake my head at her and pout. I wish I could tell how I saw her, how brave I thought she was being able to stand up again as she had after facing many harsh setbacks, how kind she was, and how much she motivated me to help her. 

“Are you really sure it’s ok for someone like me to use that name?”

I nod once more and hug her again.

I can tell she feels much more moved this time, “Thank you Vikala, then I’ll be Vikala as well from now on.” 

I smiled sincerely at her for that. I feel my stomach growl and pull my focus away from her, but I feel more at ease this time after seeing her accept that. Sitting on the steps of the temple I head to the building we were in before and ask, “Dorrie is there anywhere for us to stay in the temple? And is there anything to eat?”

“Of course Master Vikala, the temple’s inner sanctums are reserved for you two alone whenever you need it, none may approach it unless you wish for it. And as for food, there is some food, but not enough to last you for too long, you’ll have to provide some for yourself unfortunately if you wish to stay here for a while. I’ll take you to it.”

I feel relieved that at the very least now, we won’t end up homeless, “Thank you.” I follow it to the storage room, but something feels off, I feel my will slipping more with each step until…

  
  


* * *

I find myself in the same white space as earlier with Dorrie, “Huh, what’s going on? Why am I here again Dorrie? Wasn’t I in the temple?”

“It seems today as taken too much out of you for you two’s body and mind to fully accept the pact, so I pulled you here. It should be stable after she rests and adjusts to it. Though over-using your form may exhaust both of you at times even once you’re more used to it. Your ears should help it last longer though in emergencies so be mindful of how you use it.”

That made some sense to me since it had been a long day, “But still where exactly is here? It’s different from both the temple and the space I share with her…” I spoke my thoughts aloud.

“It’s a divine space within the temple where time flows differently, created by the first herself put under my control.”  
  
“Divine space? Huh seems convenient… but who is this ‘First’, exactly? I think you mentioned her earlier.”

“The first, refers to the first divine general of the rats, you saw her altar earlier. She created not only me, but this place, the trial, and the temple.”

I look curiously at it, “I thought most of the divine generals had heritage passed down through the generations of their family to find one to inherit their roles…”

  
  
“She was an exception in many ways among the twelve from the beginning. She always had very little family, and none of them were suited for that and she had no desire to fix that issue herself for personal reasons. Furthermore she wanted to believe in people she met more than her family. So she devised a method to select a worthy outsider to inherit her title and create me to fulfill that duty.”

Huh, she didn’t really care about her family either, I couldn’t help but wonder if there was anything else alike between us and her now. “I understand, uh dorrie, you said before that the headband should have improved our ability to communicate, but she couldn’t hear my voice. Is there anything I can about that?”

  
  
“It did improve. You should have been able to feel that much. However that issue likely comes from the lack of trust she places in herself, until she can change that, I don’t believe she’ll be able to hear your voice, though I sense the issue may partially originate from you.”

  
  
“That’s rather disappointing to hear, but thank you. I’ll still try my best for her!” I wondered if there was anything I could possibly do to help without being able to talk to her directly and I felt too inexperienced to know exactly what the issue could be for me. 

* * *

The next day… I think it was the next day anyways, I woke up back in our body and being able to feel her presence this time put me more at ease compared to before. Though we both apparently needed some time to adjust and recover before we could really start settling into the temple, I don’t feel like either of us did much for a few days besides eat and rest. Dorrie talked with me about wanting to start training me some once our body had fully adjusted to the pact’s influence. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Special Thanks to Cinnamon18 (Ao3, & @_cinnamon18 on twitter) for her beta reading and her feedback for this fic.


	2. Meeting The Twelve Divine

After we recovered our energy back, we started to explore and adjust to the temple’s layout. It was honestly a little bigger than it looked from the outside. We found that we didn’t need to add too much at least to furnish it, the previous general’s room was surprisingly well furnished with a good bed and desk. The only room we agreed was lacking was the kitchen lacking a bit in tools to prepare food. There was a decent enough amount of food and money left behind for us to get by for a few months, so we didn’t rush on a solution to that.

During the next month we settled into our new life at the temple and got used to using the ears to change. My training with Dorrie on how to use my new found powers progressed well. I even thought of some unique ways to use them that managed to surprise and impress Dorrie. 

While she would spend her time reading various books from the temple to learn more about this place’s history and the other divine generals. She seemed more and more amazed about each of them and their history as she read more. She also practiced her handwriting hoping to get it to a better state than it used to be, since her diary from before was a bit of mess. She also started sewing some, I think she hoped to be able to adjust and repair some of the clothes left here to try for herself.

Finally Dorrie thought I had reached the point where I was acknowledged as skilled and stable enough to meet with one of the other divine twelve. I would apparently be meeting the guardian spirit of the current year, Mahira. Dorrie had me send a short letter requesting to be introduced with her; apparently the seal from the temple was all the letter needed to prove who I was.

I practiced dozens of different greetings trying to figure out the perfect way to introduce myself. Since it was the first time I’d really be talking to another skydweller, much less one of the other generals! I eventually settled on “Hiya! I'm Vikala the newest Divine General of the Rat, You call me, Vicky!” and wink when I say “Vicky!”. It’s not that I didn’t like Vikala, I really did like it a lot, but I started to want that to be her name. Because she deserved a name that would make her smile to be called by, unlike that name she never smiled when her parents called her by... So I came up with Vicky for myself, I thought it was a bit cuter. And certainly less confusing than both of us just being ‘Vikala’, thankful Dorrie didn’t seem to mind my decision.

I got a response quicker than I expected with a rooster-like seal on it. It said she’d be coming to visit the temple about two weeks from now.

* * *

On the day of arrival I waited outside of the temple, her entrance certainly left an impression on me, as she FLEW?... no maybe... FLOATED? or GLIDED? Down from what seemed like a tiny airship to make her smooth landing on the temple… I felt like I really had my work cut out for me if I wanted to be able to compare to the other generals… from such a grand first impression.

As she hopped off her airship, I introduced myself as cutely as I possibly could, maybe I overdid it… She smiled slightly at me, but it wasn’t the sort of reaction I had hoped for. I asked how she traveled to fly to here and she said this was her own miniature airship ‘clucky’ that she designed and built.... She really was something else, she didn’t look much older than me yet she had done something so amazing.

I led her inside the more spacious part of the temple near the atlar, and we talked for quite a while. I didn’t dislike talking with her, but our conversations were a little bit too dry and serious for my tastes. Even with my numerous attempts to lighten things up I could never get a good read on how she felt from her expressions. They felt so stiff and awkward to me. Regardless she treated me kindly and explained some of the methods for purifying Kleshas or stopping their spread to me that books didn’t even cover, and she put up with my antics and awkwardness. I really hoped I didn’t leave a bad impression on her.

We talked about how she was relieved that a new rat had finally been chosen. It had apparently been vacant for nearly half a decade which was quite a long time for the generals who often had a successor in training before the predecessor stepped down. I supposed that explained the state of the rat temple’s exterior and dashed any of my small hopes to ever meet my predecessor. The most interesting thing she told me though, was that one of the meetings of all the current generals was to be held three months from now as they held a few of them each year.

She left as quickly as she came on that impressive device of hers, it soared in the air lifting her with ease. I wondered if all of the other generals had strengths as unique and impressive as hers… Would I really be able to measure to the other generals?

After she left I felt a bit let down by myself for a while, I couldn’t really manage to talk with Mahira about myself or about _her_ … Or about anything besides our business and duties as fellow divine generals.. Nor did she really ask me about anything besides that. It was nothing like what I imagined how friends would talk with each other... Or maybe I didn’t know how to talk like that with others, since it’s not like I’ve ever had any friends or had any ideas about how to make them exactly. But would she have even believed me if I tried to tell her about myself? If I had tried my hardest? The fear in my heart made it hard to tell... And made me feel a mix of relief and disappointment with how our talks had gone.

* * *

I’ve gotten used to referring to her as Vikala to myself now, but she still hasn’t called herself ‘Vikala’ to anyone else besides in our space occasionally. I guess it might be too hard for her right now. She started working part-time at a cafe to earn some money for food. Sometimes she’ll stay at the cafe if she has to work a few days in a row, and I guess maybe staying in the temple all the time is a bit too lonely, even for her. I’ve had to comfort her a number of times already… will she really be able to last in a job like this? Interacting with customers to try to build up her confidence seemed like a good idea to me when asked originally. But I don’t know if I can stand to see her crying at night this much so frequently, it’s really painful and I can only do so much for her without words.

At least I thought she looked pretty happy when she was able to buy some clothes or small accessories for herself that she liked with some of her spare money from it, even if she struggled a bit with shopping. Since at least there was no one to stop her or judge her for it this time.

* * *

Finally it was time for me to be able to all meet the other generals. I was extremely excited and practiced even more to hope that things would go better this time.

Though there was one major obstacle we couldn’t really prepare for unfortunately… We had to travel by airship to arrive where the meeting was. Iit was a bit much for us though… to make it alone, maybe it was because we picked the cheapest option… But the airship was cramped and unsteady enough to rarely leave us a moment or the space to feel comfortable.. She couldn’t even focus enough to read. I wondered if flying was always this bad… it was hard to know since we had never really left the island very much prior to this.

I had felt a little worn down just from the travel, I was glad we had made the choice to stay at a inn for a few days prior to the meeting. We could use a bit of time to recover after the flight. After resting I practiced just a little more to be safe, since I really wanted to make a really good first impression on all of them!

We arrived at the meeting place Mahira had told us about. It was a bit more plain than I expected compared to the temple, I guess they wanted it to be a secret location. This time I wanted to believe it could maybe be different… And unlike the time with Mahira, this time I got more of the reactions I wanted from some of the other generals when I introduced myself playfully with all the cheer I had in me. All of them were friendly people and I enjoyed interacting with them… Yet I couldn’t help feel like the odd one out. All of them seemed to share a bond with each other that was too far beyond my understanding… I had really hoped to try to befriend even just one of them after the meeting had finished…

But I couldn’t… maybe because I was getting these uneasy feelings in my heart.. Was I really _that_ jealous of them? Or was some of the worries in her heart affecting me? I couldn’t tell… 

No matter how hard I tried or how much made them laugh or smile, I just couldn’t feel like I was really closing any of that distance I felt compared to how close they felt to each other. I tried my best to hold on until the meeting’s serious and important topics were all passed since I really valued my duty as one of them… I barely managed it somehow to get through all of them.

When the meeting started shifting to lighter topics and talks without my sense of duty holding my will steady… I felt my control of our body faltering more than I ever had before, even worse than that day I made our pact. I definitely didn’t want to leave her here, if I couldn’t fit in I am sure it would be even worse for her. I could think only to do one thing, sneak out and run as fast I could when I got a chance. I couldn’t deal with these feelings in me to last another five minutes around them. I really hoped they didn’t think poorly of me for sneaking out like that.

I couldn’t even make it back to the inn in town near where the meeting was held. I felt bad leaving her to navigate our return with me like this.

She arrived back at the inn to rest some before making the return trip… She surprised me greatly, when she was back in her room. For the first time ever I suddenly found myself being conformed by her in our space…

She hugged me and whispered to me, “Don’t worry Vicky, I thought you handled things far more amazing than I ever could.”

I didn’t really know if I could believe those words though considering how much of a failure I felt like right now. I shook my head at her because of the doubt I felt.

“You were able to get through that entire meeting with 11 people you don’t know well and still be cheerful and talkative, that’s amazing Vicky… if it was me, I would have stopped talking or ran away sooner… so you’re doing fine.”

I couldn’t argue with her reasoning this time… because even I had felt that it would have been harder for her… yet I couldn’t fully agree with it for some reason. And I did feel a little bit better from her kindness, so I smiled and she seemed pleased by that and left to return to what she was reading in the room prior.

I was still surprised that I had ended up comforted by her though… It really showed me even if I was supposed to be her ideal somehow, that I was still not perfect by any means. I didn’t want to keep overthinking these things, so I went to sleep before her.

* * *

The next day we left for the port and we prepared for the journey home again...

During the return I reflected on her support and my struggles and realized... although I knew how to be clever and playful to get smiles out of people and to start conversations. I didn’t know how to even begin to connect with anyone, to talk about myself, or understand one another’s hearts… She had at least tried to have the courage to try to risk her heart to know someone else’s before unlike me, maybe that was what I admired about her. She was capable of trying in spite of those feelings. I felt guilty because I could tell my missteps had shaken her up as well…

* * *

Not long after this she had given up on her current job and looked for something more in the shadows. I hoped she’d be able to find something better suited to her soon and I hoped it wasn’t my fault that she stopped trying in that regards.


	3. Festival and Happiness

When we reached fall of this year, for the first time since our months of living in the temple I felt someone approaching whom we were not expecting. Vikala was too nervous and didn’t seem to want to give away that she lived here sometimes, so I decided to go and see who was visiting.

I spot a somewhat elderly woman near the temple’s gate, and decide to approach her with a mix of caution and friendliness. “Hiya, Can I do something for you? It’s unusual to see anyone come out here, I’m Vicky.”

As I notice her gasp as she sets her sights on me, “So the rumors really were true. Vicky you’re the newest Guardian, are you not?”

I try to playfully avoid her question, unwilling to give my trust yet. “Sorry, but what makes you say that lady?”

I see her expression shift to a more apologetic one. “My apologies, I should have introduced myself. I am the head priestess of the rat temple and festivals. And I heard a rumor that some months ago someone spotted a girl with white hair and rats ears headed in the direction of the temple one night, so I thought I would come see for myself.”

Festivals? I recall Vikala reading some about the past ones, so it really was true then. I felt my heart race more than a bit at the idea of running one myself sometime. “Thank you! Then allow me to re-introduce myself since you’re correct, I am Vikala the new Divine General of the Rats, you can call me Vicky!”

She bows before me after I reveal that. “I will not ask too much of you, Master Vikala.”

And I almost sigh, feeling I wouldn’t be able to be their equal, much less their friend, only viewed as their superior. I couldn’t help but wonder if this was a burden that all of the other generals carried as well to be addressed formally with such distance from so many… Maybe that’s part of why their bond felt so close in a way I couldn’t understand before.

This time she got on her knees and bowed to the ground, “But will you please consider restoring the traditional end of the year festival?”

I didn’t like how this conversation had gone honestly, but the festival did interest me regardless. “There is no reason for you to bow so far to me. If I accept and restore the festival how much of it am I allowed to shape, and how much am I bound by tradition?”

She remains seated, but she lifts up from her bow and looks at me once again. “You’re allowed to change it as much or as little as you see fit as long as the role of bringing blessings and warding off evil remains the same.”

I smile brightly at that statement, “Then you can count on me, I’ll do my absolute best! To bring back the festival and bring cheer and blessings to all who come!” And I wink happily.

Our conversation ended not long after that, she would visit me occasionally after that to talk about the festival and see if I needed any help with it.

The festival gave me something to look forward to more than meetings had, since it would be my debut to the world! To share my feelings of cheer, joy, and excitement with many people! And would be the first time I’ll really get to show off a lot the unique techniques I had learned for myself with my new found powers. I gave it a lot of thought on how to make it a flawless festival… being able to focus my feelings to something so wholeheartedly helped me forget about the earlier difficulties and stay optimistic.

* * *

A few days later after the talk of the festival, she even approached me in our space, while I was practicing… so I paused.

I heard her call out to me awkwardly, but I instantly gave my full attention to her. 

She said “Uh um… Vicky… would it be possible if I could help you out at all in any for the festival? Y-you don’t have to say yes… but j-just seeing your excitement and mood… made me want to try to help you b-bring cheer to people… P-please?”

I could only nod eagerly with the biggest smile in months when she expressed her heartfelt desire to me like that! And resist the urge to jump into hugging her, I wished I could tell her more directly how happy I would be to let help her.

She glanced away awkwardly from me, so I made sure to give her space to let her say what’s on her mind. Since I didn’t want to make things any more difficult for her with how much she was fidgeting with her hair trying to find her words. I didn’t mind waiting though, since I had all the patience in the world for her.

She finally finds her words, still not looking at me. “Um… V-vicky... so uh when I had read our p-predecessor’s diary… It was her dream to r-revive one of the traditions from the first... Since I always admired and respected her for giving us a dream. The first used to make enough rat ears for everyone at the festival… I d-don’t think I could manage that much.. But if someone like me could j-just help make some for the festival to help f-fufill her dream and make the festival more fun… then I’d be really happy.”

I approached her slowly and patted her head gently. I ended up smiling so hard at her after hearing those words, that I felt myself cry from joy for the first time… because I loved seeing her like this… just seeing her like this for a moment filled with warmth and strength beyond myself to look over us both... I wished she could see how great this part of herself was.

Ah she noticed, the tears… “Ah s-sorry V-vicky are you ok… you’re crying… did I say something w-wrong?”

I wiped the tears away and shook my head. I wanted her to see I was more than ok, so I winked and pointed to my smile with my index fingers so she couldn't miss my happiness!

And she seemed to understand then. I hoped the festival would be a good memory for both of us!

* * *

Maybe it was a result of how much we were both looking forward to the festival. But it felt like the next few months passed so smoothly and quickly whether it was her work, my training, or our preparations… Plus she seemed to smile just a little bit more, which I felt grateful for.

* * *

I feel myself full of an excitement greater than I’d ever felt before with the day of the festival finally arriving.

I ended up heading to town a little earlier than it was meant to for the start of the festival on the first day even though I didn’t want to draw attention to myself… 

I just couldn’t help myself since I wanted to see a little bit of today from a different view for myself before the main event of the festival, the parade!

* * *

Before I enter the town through a back route, I end up encountering a small girl on the verge of tears beneath a rather large tree. “Hey There! What's wrong? Shouldn’t you be smiling on a day like today!”  
  


The girl frowns at me and says, “Up there…” and points up to a balloon stuck high up in one of the branches of the tree.

  
“I think I can help you, so don’t worry!” I smile confidently and she seems to lighten up a little.

I’d practiced jumping plenty to prepare for the festival, but I thought I shouldn't push it. So I decided to make the jumps to the branch where it’s stuck in three leaps instead of showing off in one or two. I am still surprised by my agility sometimes now as I was able to get to it and untangle it’s strings without any issues in my leaps up the branches.

I notice her smiling as I make my descendant. And I feel happy myself seeing her expression change. I land and tie the balloon’s string around her hand with a smile, “Here you! And I’ll tie to you so you don’t lose it again!”

“Thank you, Onee-chan, you seem like someone special, who are you?”

“Hmmm, I suppose you could say I am, but I’d rather you just call me Vicky! If you don’t ask any further I’ll even give you a reward! Alright?”

She nods, “Of course, Vicky!”

“What a good girl, then would you like to be the first to learn my magic words for more happiness?!”

She smiles at me bright enough now to make me like it was hard to believe how sad she looked just minutes ago. “Yes please!”

I whisper the phrase to her and tell her to shake my hand and close her eyes. I twirl around in front of her and take her hand and we say it together, “Lucky! Cookie! Vicky!”

Her expression of sheer joy when she sees the headband in her hand to match mine will make this encounter one I'll always treasure. It was the first I felt like I was truly capable of bringing happiness to others.

I wished her farewell and that I had to be somewhere important before I left. I felt confident the festival and utopia parade would be a huge hit now, so I headed to where I was to meet the head priestess to start the parade.

* * *

But nothing could have prepared me for being the star of the parade, honestly it was kind of overwhelming for me. It was so dazzling that I have trouble recalling everything about it…

The town looked beautiful from the view of the parade with all of its decorations up for the festival season shining beautifully on the snow, and the head priestess delivered on my requests for the parade more than enough to fully satisfy me. The town felt so warm, welcoming, friendly, and familiar this time to me!

Everyone reacted so kindly and happily, and was so entranced by the parade. I saw dozens of kids and even some adults happily wearing the headbands she had made to provide to the festival. I’d never felt so loved… so moved by the goodness in people since that day years ago when I found myself, it truly is my ‘Utopia’!

I thought it was enough to make me feel like every bit of effort I had put into being able to express my cheer and into preparation for the festival this past few months so so worth it! I had to hold back a little to avoid letting myself cry tears of joy on stage, I let it out pretty much as soon as the parade dispersed.

The rest of the days of the festival were no less magical for me. It made me feel like maybe everything really would turn out to be alright for us and that the world was a better place than we had imagined beyond the limited experiences we had known before.

* * *

Well I noticed one thing quickly after it our ‘space’ had changed from something decorated with that passion we felt for our memories of ‘Utopia’! Compared to before where it was felt… how I do put it… a bit empty and plain feeling to it… it reminded me of her old room void of any decorations on the wall. I figured this change means she probably treasures that memory already as much as I do.

She practically showered me with a lot of praise after the last day of the festival since she was so impressed with how well I handled it

But one line among her praise really stood out to me...

“Vicky, you are really my ideal me, I hope I can be more like you one day.” She told me.

And once, I felt like I didn’t mind her referring to me that way… since she felt so full of hope and admiration this time when she said it instead of how I often sensed her self-loathing when she would call me that… so if I could bring her that hope, then I didn’t mind being her ‘ideal me’ honestly.

And I hoped, no I wanted to believe, that her feelings after the end of the festival.. were a sign that even she felt hopeful enough that maybe things would somehow change after this… I wished it would come true and those memories would be some to give her hope.


	4. Desperation and Hope

Yet no matter how much hope I had in me for the coming year… It was almost inevitable I’d be disappointed by how little changed after the next year began. She tried once more to be around more people working in a shop this time and even stayed at the temple less. But our Days, Weeks, and Months all passed without anything happening, anyone recognizing us or her being able to reach out to anyone… 

I couldn’t fault her too much. All the meetings with the other generals hadn’t gone too much better than the first one. I didn’t mean for it to be a habit... It just became my routine to sneak out after all the serious important stuff was finished. Because no matter how much I tried, I just couldn’t manage to break through that unity they had and grow close to any of them.

But one thing bothered me more than anything else: that growing space where she was distancing herself from the world… she seemed to interact even less with others each month than the one before… Sometime after half way through the year she moved to helping in the backside of a shop and either staying there or at the temple exclusively.

I started feeling more desperate to help somehow as more time passed... the more I felt the desire to return to the days of the festival preparations when our lives felt more meaningful, more promising, and more exciting… 

I thought to try to write her some messages to see if I could at least give her some support…

But it was meaningless, when she saw them… something within her stopped from being able to understand their meaning or sometimes even read them at all. I gave up after this happened half a dozen times or so. Being able to only silently support her was difficult, but I knew if I lost hope she’d feel even worse, so I did everything in my power to stay optimistic about things for her sake to try to keep her hopes and dreams going. To reassure her that we’d be able to find our belonging or happiness somehow. Those feelings kept my resolve alive. 

* * *

At least when the festival season came closer and our preparations started once more. It gave me something to look forward to keep my optimism up. Thanks to that we managed to get by until the preparations started again for the festival.

Despite wanting to distance herself from everything, she seemed more motivated than ever to make more rat ear headbands for the festival. I thought perhaps she recalled how happy people looked with them last time, and it made her want to do even better. Or maybe she realized she has a chance to fulfill that dream. And I have to say I think she has improved her technique this time. These certainly looked even more like mine than her first batch. I guess this was her way of trying to keep her hope.

Since she was aiming higher with the amount of ears she wanted to make this time, we ended up needing to stay in town more so she could stay better stocked on materials. But.. I didn’t expect the trade off it would come with… When certain other holidays approached before the festival… hearing others be so cheerful and excited, while we were all alone and unable to join… even I could feel how that was leaving a mark on her… maybe even on both of us…

* * *

But the festival came and went, it was just as magical feeling for both of us as the first time once again while it lasted … And it seemed to motivate her to try more with people. Since she had even tried going around the town before and after the parade started and finished a few days wearing one of the shrine maiden outfits she had repaired. I guess she was hoping someone would notice her or that she could talk happily with anyone about the festival since she saved up her courage from isolating before it.

But in the end no one paid her any attention and approaching anyone long enough to really talk was just too difficult for her. She only managed at best tiny conversations where someone thanked her thinking she was one of the priestesses who helped run it. So I could feel her disappointment build each day when she went back to the temple after her courage wore thin.

But unlike last year, her mood was anything, but good after it ended. I felt like maybe she started feeling it was too hard for her to change unless she was hard on herself. I tried to express that she should be gentle to herself with a gentle touch on her hand when she asked me what she should do, but she would pull away from that and refused it... I tried reaching out to her a few times when I noticed her thoughts and feelings getting worse, but I couldn’t reach her at all most of the time. And the times I did manage, I could only end up lending my shoulder for her to cry on and pat her head softly cause even when she was that close to me willingly... my feelings couldn’t make it to her. So there was only so much I could do when she was distant from me.

Though seeing her like this made me more certain over time, I wouldn’t be able to let myself reveal that I felt I separate from her to anyone unless she did… Because I didn’t want to risk taking anything away from her. Even something small like someone else’s perception of her efforts. I started thinking it was probably better if we were just seen as the same person for her sake. So I’d rather leave it to her judgement than risk that… I’d gotten by til now without anyone understanding the difference, so I am sure I could keep it up for her sake somehow...

* * *

I noticed that jobs were unstable for her, some of them only managed to last a week or two... so we burned our reserves much quicker than last year…

...Until she ended up stuck at a cafe who’s owner yelled at her often and harshly for her mistakes, but tolerated her somehow. It seemed to me like he almost took pity on her despite that very harsh part of him.

I don’t know why she stayed there, maybe she felt like she deserved that… I wished I could tell her that she didn’t deserve that at all, but my feelings couldn’t even reach her enough to change anything… 

I asked Dorrie after our regular training at the temple one day, and they told me it was likely connected to our worse states and the great distances from others she’d been for a while now. 

It was honestly hard for me to avoid feeling down from that… but I knew I had to be strong for us when she faltered, because I wanted to protect her hopes and dreams, so she can find happiness.

But regardless of that pity or whatever he had towards her… it was very clear to me it was wearing down at her. Maybe I should have taken that sense of concern I had more strongly or more desperately than I did…

* * *

But I couldn’t even be allowed to always be at her side it seemed…

For the first time in years, I ‘wake up’ without being able to sense her… Normally when we transform to switch our control there was always a bit of consent for us to accept control, but there was no consent in this… 

I feel the cold air brush on my face devoid of summer’s warmth long faded… as I get out of her bed in the back of the shop. I can’t remember what happened to her prior to this... Everything was too vague. I can’t even tell how long it had been since my last memory, but I know it can’t be a good sign for us that I was feeling this. I feel so alone and anxious that I was almost tempted to pry and read her diary to have some hint of what she could have been thinking or doing, but I know whatever short term solace I would gain from that wouldn’t be worth seeing her face full of disappointment in me… I had already learned once before she was very sensitive about that when I took a small peak....

So I sit on the edge of the bed and try to focus as best I could manage. I feel something has been sapped from me vaguely… it makes it a struggle to focus properly, but I reach our space to see if I could find her. To try to understand what happened… to help her, but I couldn’t see or sense her anywhere in it…

But my search is very cut short…

I feel our stomach churn and growl loudly at me breaking my weakened focus. I thought she _was_ eating properly despite the recent difficulties… But the intensity of the feelings from that growl makes me concerned about how little she must have been eating recently…

And that I have to get something to eat... so that I don’t risk our body collapsing on me. I think about just going to the temple to get something from our supplies there, but with my memories being so shaky… I really didn’t want to walk all the way there and find nothing… so it means I have to buy some food, since where she normally keeps food in this room is empty.

I check her bag for her wallet, only to see our headband glowing with an unusual light around it… I consider touching it for a moment, but I decide against it for now feeling cautious from being without her… 

I look up from the bag after I grabbed her wallet and I saw in her mirror that… my hair is still snow white despite everything else about our body being hers right now. I accidently let out a small scream in shock.

I hear a clanking sound, and realize I probably woke Dorrie… Remembering I am not fully alone like I was that day.

I call out to them “Dorrie, H-help me!” 

Dorrie’s words quickly reach my thoughts, “What is wrong, Master Vikala?”

I quickly point to my hair and open the bag to show them… “And even worse… I can’t sense or find her... What’s going on?....”

Dorrie advises me to go to the temple after I get some food and to not touch the headband until then. I ask for the date as well and I recoil back a few steps when I find out a bit over two weeks had passed since I could recall anything… How could I have such a large gap in my memories, when I was always with her normally...

After I calm down I follow their advice. I put the cloak on that she sometimes uses when heading to the temple to cover my hair since I worry my white hair might draw unwanted attention.

I head to one of the stores she was regular to since the shop owner was kind and rarely questioned her… Plus she sold really good bread and cheese. I arrive and don’t even look around since I’m in a hurry and my mind is too busy thinking about other things to look at food. She asks me if I want the usual and I meekly nod and she must have noticed something was off since handed me a bit extra and said to just take it.

I eat about half of it as I make my way to the temple on a familiar route. Since my hunger has gotten pretty bad, I take it a bit slow to eat and not over do anything.

* * *

I arrive at the temple around noon, it looks the same as always, but somehow it feels like something different as I pass through the gate’s threshold. I wonder if it was just me, or something else, but dorrie gave me no answers. As we enter further the temple and I take a break to finish eating. I at least feel a bit more relieved without that worry of collapsing from hunger hanging over me.

Dorrie instructs me to go to the altar room for some reason and touch my headband when I get close to it… But as I get closer whatever that off feeling I was getting before, only grows more intense. And I think I see the Altar glowing in the distance, the same way as my headband. Seeing it up close the altar was pulsing with the intensity of the light as was my headband… 

I trust Dorrie since they’ve helped me for so long, and grab my headband with both hands. The light brightens from both objects shine more intensely until I can see nothing but white…

* * *

Until it fades slightly, and I see a woman with long flowing white hair who looks much more mature than me… and her outfit is unmistakably the attire of one the divine twelve yet I’ve never seen her at the meetings… yet she almost looks like… it couldn’t be right?...

I realize I am the temple’s divine space once more, but this woman’s presence was clearly the source of what felt off to me. And yet I saw no signs of Dorrie.

“Um… You’re the one that Dorrie calls ‘The First’ aren’t you?” I ask, guessing from my gut feeling about this from what Dorrie told me before and she resembled the girl on the altar, but a bit older.

She smiles at my guess, and replied, “You’re a clever one aren’t you, Young general? That’s correct, though you can call me Onee-chan if you wish, I consider all the rat generals my sisters. So my cute sister, what name were you given by Dorrie?” 

“I am Vikala, but uh I call myself Vicky… since I prefer that name for her…” I stutter a little in the presence of someone as grand as her.

“Her?” She says with a certain curiosity in her expression directed at me before she looks away from me for a moment and shuts her eyes. Then she looks back at me. “Ah I see _her_ , the one you care for most. you must be a truly kind person to give the name you received to someone like that. Vicky, you’re more worthy of my guidance if you would like to accept it.” 

I feel a bit too startled from her insight to speak right away.

She spoke once more to ease my uneasiness, “Oh, don’t be worried I didn’t pry. I simply asked Dorrie about you and then I understood your circumstances quickly. So would you like my help?”

I nod slightly anxiously.

Her expression shifts more stern as she speaks this time, “Then I can tell for you to be able to come here with such a short experience as a general, it can only mean one thing… You’ve lost control of your divinity and the balance that allows you to be both divine and mortal at once for some reason. If things continue on this way you’ll find things some may consider a blessing, but many would consider a curse. But I believe Dorrie brought you to me now because they knew you didn’t want to follow that path.”

I shutter as her words weighed heavily on me, “ . . . What will happen to me if I can’t correct it?” 

Her tone has a certain somberness to it when she speaks, “You’ll start to lose your mortality at first you’d become a saint, and eventually you’d become deified like myself. So you cease being her equal and being at her side. You will become a divinity she channels like Varja does.”

I feel crushed by that possibility… I could only think of one thing... “So do I need to quit being a general to avoid that fate then? I’m happy to be one but...”

She sighs at me and her furrowed brow pierces me with a harsh gaze and a stern tone, “Young General, I choose to let myself be deified because I knew the risks of granting such divinity to someone not born with it and I was responsible for managing that risk to avoid such outcomes. If you abandoned your pact like that you’d cease to exist and her being left alone would be then as result… Which I am sure isn’t what you wish for.”

I nod, on the verge of tears… “Then what am I supposed to do...? What’s wrong with me?... Onee-chan...”

She points her finger at my heart, “I can feel that hole in your heart as the source. Vicky, what led you to that pain for someone as kind as you?”

Ah… having her point out what I tried to ignore hurt… I bite my lip, I recall my thought a few months back I could feel something unsettling within me. I gup before I speak hesitantly, “I think it started back when I had this thought. ‘Because I didn’t want to risk taking anything away from her’ … ‘I started thinking it was probably better if we were just seen as the same person for her sake.’ “

She looks at me in disbelief, “To think you’d be selfless enough to doubt and deny your identity as an individual person for someone else’s sake... It’s no wonder then that your divinity started to consume you.”

“Please Onee-chan, then what I am supposed to do to fix it.”

She sighs again at me, “Isn’t it obvious? Vicky you have to accept yourself as a person, value yourself and your feelings, be kind to yourself, and let yourself be selfish sometimes. Even a divine general shouldn’t be selfless all the time.”

Ah… of course it was that, but I had no idea how to... “But where do I begin?...”

She looks softly at me, “She admires you does she not? Why not start by accepting those feelings and using those reasons to start valuing yourself. You seem more than deserving of those feelings. You can let other reasons come more naturally later.”

Hearing someone else say it's ok, no it was right even for me to accept those feelings overwhelmed me… I couldn’t stop the tears I felt from those words… that it was ok for me to accept those feelings, all I could get out was, “Thank you...”

She smiles, “You’re welcome, it seems our time here is ending, just use your headband when you’re back you should find balance again. I think you know what you need to do next after that.”

“Thank you so much... “ I try to smile as best I could in my state, “Onee-chan, will I ever be able to see you again?”

“It’s unlikely, but not impossible. Very few of them have managed to reach me when not in crisis. It was nice meeting you Vicky, I wish you and Vikala well. Goodbye.” She waves me off, and the space and her started to fade.

* * *

I wake back up in the temple, the altar and the headband have both stopped glowing… I head to our room in the temple to prepare myself.

I look into the mirror in our room and put on our headband. Slowly, but surely I see the black returning to our hair and feel a sense of balance returning to me. I try to think of what I want to say to her when I find her. 

I know I probably wasn’t capable of convincing her to accept my feelings towards her at this time all at once, but maybe I could at least reaffirm my support to her. Our hair changes back to black and I feel like I could sense her.

I feel ready, so I focus on our space, it wasn’t quite like usual. It was like how the festival felt a few hours after utopia when things had gotten dark and eerily quiet it was all but devoid of the liveliness of hours ago. While only traces of the prior wonder and happiness remaining among decorations left to reuse the next day. It’s faint, but I can sense her in it this time. So I follow that direction. I try to speak while I walk and I hear myself and find my words for the first time here.

It takes me longer than I expected to find her hidden away deep in an alley away from the festive parts of the space. I see her crouched down holding her legs, even without seeing her face I could tell how down she was feeling. 

I decide to approach her cautiously since I don’t want to startle her or make her uncomfortable. I smile reaching my hand out to her keeping a small distance between us, “Hiya, Vikala! Sorry it took so long for me to find you this time. There was a lot I had to deal with. Would you like a handshake? I don’t mind giving you one late this time.” And wink.

She tries to look away despite how close I was, “Vicky… wait you can talk?” 

I overlook her ignoring my question, and playfully smirk, “I can talk _now_!”

She doesn’t react, “That’s nice, but I am sure I don’t deserve your time or words.”

I pout at her, “Nonsense! You’re the one who deserves them the most.”

She looks at me, thrown off guard by that, “Huh… M-me? w-why is that?”

I wink, “It’s because of your feelings that I am able to talk to you now, did you know that Vikala?!”

She smiles briefly, but then frowns at me, “So what… I am sure anyone could have done that for you. You’re loved by some many people, unlike me.”

I think a second and put my finger to my face, “I might be loved by many, but it was **your** feelings that changed me and gave a dream in the first place! No one else’s feelings would have been able to save me. So I want to repay those feelings.”

Vikala fidgets with her hair before she tries to speak, “W-Why would you go so far for someone like me?...”

I grab both her hands with mine, and pull her up slightly and look her in the eyes, “Do I need a reason to help my beloved twin sister?”

She trembles slightly, “No… b-but I d-don’t know when I’d be ready to really accept your feelings…”

I laugh slightly awkwardly, “Don’t worry about that, I know it’s not easy to accept something you don’t feel you deserve… I couldn’t properly accept them for a long time, because I felt like my flaws were too great to be worthy of it.”

She looks at me with shock, “B-but Vicky you’re a-amazing and n-nearly perfect unlike me… so why?”

I pull my hands back and hold one arm with my hand to brace myself from how nervous I feel to admit my old feelings, “I had a lot of doubts about how amazing I was or such for a long time ever since I felt like I messed up on my first impression with the other generals and how I totally failed even attempt befriending any of them.”

She shock was even greater this time, “Y-you’re n-not just m-making that up to make feel better are you?”

I laugh a little, “Of course not! Those things I struggled with definitely why I couldn’t talk to you properly for so long! Because I didn’t value myself nearly enough.”

She seems to accept it with that point at least, “But… uh I still don’t think there is anything good about me and your feelings are t-too strong for me…”

I take one of her hands with both of mine holding it gently, “It doesn’t need to be all at once. I just want you to try at your own pace to gradually smile, embrace yourself, and accept my feelings. What do you say we try just one small step now?”

She nods with the slightest of smiles of her.

I smile back at her, “Then how about this, I think it’s impressive how hard you work every year for the festival to make the rat ears for everyone. I really appreciate it.”

Her face turns slightly pink, “I am t-that helpful to you… R-really?”

I wink, “Really, really! Everyone loves being able to match with me and that’s only possible because of you. So thank you, Vikala.”

The shade on her face doesn't leave her, “W-well m-maybe just maybe I am n-not totally useless… but I am still not s-sure when… I’ll be able to a-accept all of it…”

I pet her head gently, “No matter how long it takes, I want to support you and be by your side until the day comes when you’re ready.”

She glances away, “But what i-if that day never comes?...”

I hug her closely, “But what if it does! And even then if it doesn’t come, then I’ll be there for you forever!”

She starts crying, “Thank you Vicky… I was always so afraid that even you and Dorrie would leave me someday… I’ll try to hang on, so I t-try my best to reach the point you wish for.... Even if I can’t see a path to it yet…”

I pet her on the head once more ruffing her slightly this time, and smile warmly, “I could never abandon you my precious twin sister. You’re my most important person after all, so don’t worry! And I am sure we’ll reach that point together some day and I’ll make your dreams come true! Since I am Vicky after all!”

She returns my embrace and hugs me back, “You aren’t gonna leave me if that dream comes true, right?”

I hug her more tightly and shake my head, “Of course not. After all, my biggest dream is to be by your side after you reach it!”

She cries again, and I pat her head once more. I feel a stronger sense of hope in both of us. I know eventually she’ll be able to reach that, so I don’t mind that admires me even more than before... Since I know she wants to change as well. So I am sure in the end that we’ll be able to overcome whatever hardships come with our time as the year spirit since we have each other!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this far, I put a lot of effort and feelings into writing this fic. I hope you enjoyed or found it interesting, or could make you understand Vicky & Vikala in a different view.
> 
> And I still plan to finish my other Vikala fic, I just got stuck in the mood to write this while I was working on planning out the last 4 chapters more. Maybe read if you haven’t?


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